Contentious Woman

I’m here, at the other side of my accidental experiment in marriage to tell you that it is foolish to fight against God’s word. It is so powerful, His authority is so awesome that it crosses language and cultural barriers and can be found in a belief system that isn’t even Christian.

Moreover, I’ll share something else fascinating about this woman’s marriage. She recognized that the problems plaguing their marriage, and their were some real troubles… required prayers. She prayed daily, to Buddha, mind you, but she prayed for her husband’s spiritual redemption, by the Christian father whom he had rejected.

Instead of demanding, nagging, threatening, or manipulating, this wise woman chose to pray for her husband. I won’t spoil the story for you, but let’s just say that God was honored by this woman’s request, and her attitude made all the difference in the outcome of the story. How about you?

Finally, many of you are still smarting from unhappy childhoods, broken homes, or even annoyed by my theories, entrenched in your belief that it is your personality, your way to be contentious. That may be valid. In his book, Positive Personality Profiles, Dr. Robert Rohm, a Christian psychologist, yes….there are a few of them around……outlines four distinct personality profiles and attaches at Biblical character to each one. Here they are….briefly.

Type S…. the sweet, shy submissive person. The unassuming, Apostle John is the prototype

Type I…. the impulsive, inquisitive, involved person. The chameleon-like Apostle Peter is the prototype.

Type C….. the careful, calculating cautious person. The doubter, Thomas is the prototype

Type D….. the decisive, demanding doer. Like Paul……the prototype, you want things done your way….right away.

Dr. Rohm does a marvelous job of helping us identify our personality types, recognizing the positive and negative aspects of each type, but he goes a step further. He insists that any of the types can be in for troubles if the Holy Spirit is not in control of that life. The apostle Paul was a demanding, aggressive man prior to his salvation on the Damascus Road…..and he was the same man afterward. Only then, God was controlling his behavior and actions. Just because you have a particular personality type, or you suffered in a difficult childhood does not mean that you must become or remain a Contentious Woman. God almighty gives you freedom from all of that and more., Romans 6: 14 makes it abundantly clear…

” For sin shall not be master over you, for you are not under the law, but under grace.”

Perhaps, at this point in the story, you may need or want to stop for prayer. You may want to pray for release from anger, bitterness, or a desire for revenge.

Now, let us consider some practical scriptural advice for overcoming a contentious nature, whether it is our personality to be that way, or if circumstances such as stress, multiple expectations, or competing responsibilites seem to push us toward contentiousness:

Change a Contentious Nature

By your words: “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” Proverbs 15:1

Through your actions: “The wise woman builds her house, but the foolish tears it down with her own hands.” Proverbs 14:1

With your decisions: “Pride goes before destruction. And a haughty spirit before stumbling.” Proverbs 16:18 and “Choose for yourselves today whom you will serve….but as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.” Joshua 24:15

By keeping in The Word of God: “Thy word have I treasured in my heart that I may not sin against Thee.” Psalms 119:11

With your loyalty and respect: “For how do you know, O wife, whether you will save your husband?” 1Cor. 7:13

With your attitude: “Put on the full armor of God, that you may be able to stand firm against the schemes of the devil. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places.” Ephesians 6:11

By picking your battles: “Keeping away from strife is an honor for a man, But any fool will quarrel.” Proverbs 20:3

In your obedience: “No temptation has overtaken you but such as in common to man; and God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will provide the way of escape also, that you may be able to endure it.” 1 Cor.10:13

By choosing to live in God’s grace: “For sin shall not be master over you, for you are not under the law, but under grace.” Romans 6:14

In searching your own heart: “The heart is more deceitful than all else, and is desperately sick. Who can understand it? I the Lord search the heart, I test the mind.” Jeremiah 17:9

A contentious woman is not a happy woman. There is no peace in it. There is no victory. There is no resolution of conflicts nor control over circumstances. Sin always begets sin. And, as the Word of God tells us, the wages of sin is death.

A contentious woman can witness the death of:

Her marriage…..her friendships with other women….the respect of colleagues…. the trust and companionship of her children……..the destruction of her Christian witness. I will quote my good friend Stephen, our CPA, who is fond of saying, “I try to avoid trusting Jesus on the basis of what I see in his followers. Otherwise it would be too easy to become an athiest, and that is too depressing and empty a lifestyle.”

How true ! If a non-believer were to witness your latest: conversation with a spouse, argument with a teenager, response to a request, actions at a meeting… would he or she see the bitterness of a contentious woman or the sweetness and peace of a woman living under grace????

Now let’s recap. We have taken a quiz to find out if we are Contentious Women. Then, we examined the outcomes of a life lived as a contentious woman:

1. Living out of God’s will (disobedience)
2. Miserable homes
3. Children who are displaced by divorce and anger
4. Frustration because men will not change to meet our needs
5. The opportunity for Satan to work in your home and family
6. Stalled personal and spiritual growth as you devote energy to being contentious (it is a full time job)!

Now, let’s take a brief and concluding look at how to escape the oppressive patterns of behavior that a Contentious Woman thrives on ..

Here are another 10 points………..and you will see a relationship to the quiz. That is deliberate. Remember, these ideas are based on:
 (a) Scripture,
 (b) Research into the physical-cognitive difference between men and women, and
 (c) The success stories of other women.

I’ll give the scriptural references as we progress, but let me say now that this topic is right in line with new research emerging as to the actual “brain differences”, brain-wiring if you will…between men and women. I’ll be drawing on the research of linguist Deborah Tannen, the author of You Just Don’t Understand: Women and Men in Conversation and The Wonder of Boys by Dr. Michael Gurian, a therapist who has done extensive research on the differences between males and females. Finally, it is only fair to tell you that I have been pondering some of these issues for a while, as I prepare the manuscript of my latest book, More Than Pink and Blue: How Gender Can Shape Your Curriculum.

Leaving the Contentious Woman Behind

1. It is your duty to love your husband and to respect him. Treating a man like a child by nagging and pushing will challenge his brain-wired need for independence. He will react all right…..by ignoring you.
2. Learn to praise your husband, in clear, natural, authentic words, when he engages in a behavior or practice that you desire. He will feel validated and respond, in time, by repeating that behavior. That includes……spending time with the children, dealing with your family, or even in the bedroom.
3. This is a tough one. Once is enough. Ask your husband once. Remind your husband once. Mention it, whatever it is, one time. Then allow him the freedom to do it when and how he chooses. to. Resist the urge to do it yourself, unless life or limb are in danger. Then wait. Close your eyes if you have to, and wait.
4. Show respect for your husband by listening to him, even if he is not making sense. Do not blurt into conversations to correct him, nor interject when he is dealing with your children. It is rude. It is wrong. It is also the quickest way to destroy communication, period. Research shows that men’s brains simply do not process language as quickly as women do. His silence may not be a punishment; it may be a process. Let the process work.
5. Practice looking for the good in your husband. Focus on three good qualities that he has. Tell him about those good qualities. Tell others about those qualities. Thank God for those qualities. Soon, the negative qualities will seem far less visible and you will wonder why they ever mattered so much. So many women ….married 15-25 years have told me…..”I can’t believe we used to argue about X…..it really wasn’t important.” These women had learned to look for the good in their husbands.
6. Guard your sharp tongue. Accusations back men into a corner. The male animal will choose flight, rather than fight. He knows that he cannot win in a verbal engagement with you. You talk faster, better, and you have an amazing ability to recall every low down, sorry, nasty thing he ever did……Also, guard your sharp tongue with other people. Stop and think before you speak. Adopt the wisdom of my friend Crickett, the wife of an elder in the church who, instead of saying something hard and mean will simply state: “I cannot respond in a way that would edify or build up that person right now.”
7. Praise God for the fact that an unbelieving or backslidden husband is sanctified by your belief. 1Cor. 7:13 reminds us: “For how do you know, O wife, whether you will save your husband? ” and ” Only as the Lord has assigned to each one, as God has called each, in this manner let him walk.” Writing in Caught in the middle, Living a fulfilled life with an unbelieving husband, Beverly Bush Smith and Patricia DeVorss say: “At the very least, it (sic) means that our husbands have been set apart for special treatment by God, that He will see that they get whatever help they need to eventually trust their lives to Him.” Praise God. He will provide the way. He doesn’t need our trickery or whining to accomplish this. He demands only our obedience. On this same line, I caution you against diluting the sanctity of your marriage in any way by virtue of the fact that your husband is not a believer or church-goer. Your marriage is sanctified by God, not by you nor by your image in the community. Your marriage is just as Holy and Sanctified as any other. Treat it that way.
8. Intimacy, in the form of touching, sexual expression, and gentle words is a form of healing. It is a message…..”I accept you as you are.” Scripture is clear that we are not to withhold ourselves in marriage. It is because God, who created intimacy and everything else ….knew that we needed this form of love in order to stay close….literally and figuratively. Dr. Gary Chapman, writing in The Five Languages of Love, details the deep, cognitive and physical need that men have for physical intimacy. You already recognize the power that you have in physical intimacy. Do not be tempted to abuse that power.
9. Every day, imagine yourself as the Proverbs 31 Woman. “Strength and dignity will be her clothing.” Stand up straighter. Look people in the eye. Maintain your dignity. God has given you all the resources you need to maintain your dignity in all situations.
10. Remember to fear God, in a Holy and rightrous way. Somehow, we have gotten to the place where we think that if our sin isn’t egregious, sexual, violent, or involves breaking one of the 10 commandments, it isn’t something that God notices. I don’t think so. He notices. Fear Him when you decide to fight over a decision at home just to get your point. Fear Him when you belittle a co-worker, a younger woman under your direction, or a child. Fear Him when you engage in bitter gossip ( my personal downfall). And I take this last thought from my Role Model, Elizabeth Elliot, who recently said on her radio program, “Gateway to Joy”, that the real problem with an overly aggressive woman is not her pushy ways and language, but the way that she pushes God out of the way. No one else can hear Him if you are too loud, nor feel His sweet presences when you are so Angry, nor see His powerful actions when you are in the way. God made you to be strong and courageous, not weak and wimpy. But so often, strengths become weaknesses when they are abused.
11. Treat every encounter with your husband as if it might be your last. I am cognizant of the fact that time is fleeting. Every minute counts. Your reaction to your husband makes a difference. Writing in the Total Woman, which by the way sold a couple of hundred thousand copies , Marabel Morgan cites research into early morning airplane crashes with test pilots, and notes that when the pilots left home angry and anxious, their judgement was severely impaired. Your husband may act like he could care less….but that’s not the case. Scripture cautions us not to let the sun set on our anger. Extrapolate that wisdom to this: Don’t leave home in anger…..